Punta Cana: Apparently I Live Here Now

Some places look beautiful in photographs.
And then there are places that make you walk around constantly saying, “LOOK AT THAT.”

Punta Cana is definitely the second kind.
We came to the Dominican Republic expecting turquoise water, palm trees, tropical weather, great food, and a few days away together. What I did not expect was how much I would notice.

The plants. The flowers. The animals. The colors. The food.
The way the light comes through the leaves. The palm trees bending in the wind.
And maybe most importantly, how nice it would feel to have uninterrupted time with my husband.

No complicated itinerary. No need to race from one attraction to another. Just me and mi amor in a ridiculously beautiful place, wandering around, eating things, drinking things, laughing, exploring, and occasionally stopping because I have discovered another plant that apparently requires an entire photoshoot.

Sorry, babe. You married the woman taking seventeen pictures of a leaf.

Me, Mi Amor, and the Caribbean

One of my favorite parts of this trip has simply been getting to spend time with Keenan. Not parent mode. Not household mode. Not coordinating seventeen different things at once. Just us. There is something really special about getting away together and remembering how much fun it is to simply exist beside the person you chose.

Sitting by the pool. Having dinner. Walking around the resort. Trying different foods. Talking about absolutely nothing important. Having a drink while staring at a view that looks suspiciously like somebody Photoshopped reality. Those are the moments I think I will remember most.

Of course, we are still completely ourselves. I am wandering around photographing tropical foliage and searching the trees for bats. Keenan is eating baby squid.

So, you know.
Romance.

Everything Here Is Alive

One of my favorite things about Punta Cana has been the plants. And I mean ALL OF THEM. The landscaping here is absolutely ridiculous. Enormous tropical leaves, palms, flowers, vines, crotons exploding in red, orange, yellow, pink, and green, and plants that look like someone handed Mother Nature a box of markers and told her there were no rules.

Some leaves are glossy and enormous. Some curl around themselves as they grow. Some look painted. Some look prehistoric. Some look suspiciously like they should start talking. And naturally, I have photographed all of them.

At some point my vacation camera roll stopped looking like a vacation album and started looking like field research conducted by an extremely enthusiastic amateur botanist. Nobody hired me. I simply appointed myself.

These Crotons Are SHOW-OFFS

The crotons here deserve special recognition.

They are spectacular.

Some leaves are striped in yellow and green. Others are streaked with orange, red, pink, and gold. One leaf can look completely different from the leaf growing directly beside it.

Some of them practically glow when the sunlight hits them.

They look painted. They look like stained glass. They look like tropical Lisa Frank foliage. Obviously, I am obsessed. Glossy green shrubs also have new leaves still rolled into tiny tubes, waiting to open. Enormous leaves have perfectly organized veins. Plants with deep red stems and copper-colored foliage. Every few feet there is another plant making me stop and say, “WHAT IS THAT?”

Keenan has accepted his fate. Vacationing with me apparently involves waiting patiently while I photograph shrubbery

Even Paradise Has Brown Leaves

Something else caught my attention. Not every plant here looks perfect. Some leaves are brown. Some are sun-scorched. Some plants are dropping older growth. Some look absolutely spectacular at the top while the bottom looks like it has been through battle. And the garden is still breathtaking. Maybe even more so because of it. Tropical does not mean untouched.

Paradise does not mean nothing gets damaged. These plants get blasted by Caribbean sunshine, soaked by rain, whipped by wind, drenched in humidity, and battered by tropical storms. And they keep growing. Which brings me back to the palm trees.

The Palm Trees Mean Something Different to Me Now

I have been thinking about getting a palm tree tattoo.
After being surrounded by them here, I know exactly why.

Palm trees do not survive storms because they refuse to move. They survive because they bend. The wind can beat the hell out of them. Their leaves can shred. Their trunks can bow until it seems impossible that they will stand upright again. But when the storm clears, they turn toward the sun. And they rise. That feels familiar. Life has bent me in directions I never expected. I’ve faced storms I never would have chosen. Marks remain from what I have survived. But I am still here.

Still growing. Still reaching. Still finding the sun. So yes. I think a palm tree belongs on me. Not because my life has been untouched by storms. Because I learned how to bend without letting the storm decide where I stay.

The View Is Honestly Ridiculous

There are moments here when I look around and think, This cannot possibly be my actual life.

I am sitting beside an infinity pool. Palm trees sway beyond it. The Caribbean is peeking through in the distance. The sky is violently blue. There is a cold tropical drink in my hand. My husband is beside me. And we have nowhere else we need to be. That last part might be the luxury I appreciate most. We can stay. Order another drink. Talk. Swim. Walk around. Go eat something. Or do absolutely nothing. There is no prize for squeezing the maximum number of activities into a vacation. Sometimes the whole point is looking at the person beside you and saying, “Want to stay here a little longer?” And then actually being able to.

We Need to Discuss the Food

The food deserves its own chapter because apparently vacation Meig is unwilling to let anyone touch a plate until I photograph it.

I have eaten extremely well here. My braised beef rib was rich, tender, and exactly the kind of meal that temporarily ends conversation because your brain needs a moment to process what just happened.

Keenan has been the seafood adventurer. The baby squid was his. The salmon was his. Seafood curry? His!

I love seeing the completely different things we choose and getting to experience meals together. We’ve had gorgeous plated dinners, charcuterie, desserts, seafood, beautiful sauces, tiny garnishes, and dishes that look like somebody arranged every component with tweezers. At one point we essentially had what I can only describe as a luxury Lunchable. I fully support this category of cuisine. Everything feels intentional. Even when I have absolutely no idea what something is, it is pretty.

Cold Drink. Palm Trees. Husband. I’m Good.

There is something delightfully absurd about sitting beside a pool with a tropical drink while palm trees sway behind it. It is exactly the kind of stereotypical vacation moment that you think cannot possibly feel as good as advertised. It does. Especially when you get to share it with your person.

One of my favorite things about traveling together is collecting tiny memories that probably mean nothing to anyone else. The weird thing we ate. The plant I made him stop and look at. Something ridiculous one of us said at dinner. A drink we liked. A place where we sat longer than we intended. A tiny lizard that I was far more excited about than any reasonable adult should have been.

Those little moments become the trip.

Of Course I Found the Tiny Creatures

Anyone who knows me knows there was absolutely no chance I’d come to a tropical island and only pay attention to the pool. I am looking under leaves. I am looking at trees. I am watching the ground. I am inspecting flowers. Basically, if something is tiny, weird, alive, or has more legs than the average tourist, I would like to see it immediately. I have already found tiny lizards darting through the landscaping, and I remain completely delighted every single time.

I am also still searching for bats. Obviously. Everyone else can have the swim-up bar. Give me a tiny nocturnal mammal hanging upside down from a tree, and I will consider this vacation complete.

Punta Cana at Night Is Gorgeous

The resort completely changes after dark. The bright tropical colors disappear into shadows. The palms become silhouettes. Lights glow between the trees. The pools reflect everything. And suddenly the place feels entirely different from the bright tropical paradise we walked through that morning. It becomes quieter. Softer. A little mysterious.

Which naturally makes me think:
Excellent. Bat time.

Still looking. I have not given up.

Tiny Lizards, Giant Chess, Plants, Food and Us

One of my favorite things about this trip has been how much joy I am getting from completely ordinary moments. A tiny lizard. A strange flower. An enormous chess set. A weird leaf. A palm tree moving in the wind. A beautiful plate of food. A cold drink. A conversation with my husband. Walking somewhere without particularly caring where we end up. Nothing earth-shattering. Just little pieces of a life being lived somewhere beautiful.

I think adulthood sometimes teaches us to stop paying attention unless something has a purpose. But wandering around Punta Cana with mi amor has reminded me how much I genuinely love noticing things. And how much I love having someone beside me while I notice them.

Maybe That Is What I Will Remember Most

Punta Cana is beautiful. Obviously. The water is ridiculous. The plants are incredible. The food has been fantastic. The palm trees have somehow become philosophical. My camera roll is approximately 40 percent vacation photos and 60 percent botanical evidence. But when I think about what I will actually remember years from now, I do not think it will be one particular dinner or flower or swimming pool.

I think I will remember us here.

Me and Keenan. Exploring somewhere new together. Laughing. Eating. Talking. Sitting in the sunshine. Me stopping every six feet because I found another plant. Him inevitably waiting for me. The little things that happen when there is finally enough time to simply enjoy being together. Because the Caribbean is beautiful. But experiencing it beside someone you love? That is the part you cannot photograph. Although, knowing me, I am certainly going to try.

Punta Cana, you have my heart. Now please produce a bat before I leave. I have been extremely patient.

See you guys for part 2, where we learn about this amazing place together.

Meig

Three Is Magic

No one told me three would be this beautiful.

Everyone warned me about three.

They said it with knowing looks and little half laughs.

“Oh just wait until she’s three.”
“Three is when the attitude starts.”
“Threenagers are something else.”

What nobody told me is that three is perfection.

Three is a tiny voice yelling from the other room, “I WILL DO IT MYSELF!” while struggling to pull on shoes that are definitely on the wrong feet.

Three is spinning in the living room saying, “Check out my moves, Momma!” and dancing like the whole world is watching.

Three is independence blooming right in front of my eyes. It’s tiny hands that don’t need mine quite as much anymore, but still reach for me when she’s tired.

Three is Gabby’s Dollhouse on repeat. Again. And again. And again.

Three is dance parties at 10 pm when bedtime should have happened an hour ago.
It’s music playing too loud, twirls across the living room floor, and one more song before we even think about pajamas.

Three is the moment the chaos finally slows down and she crawls into my arms for sleepy cuddles before bed. The kind where her whole little body melts into mine and I remember she’s still my baby, even while she’s becoming her own little person.

Three is hug attacks.
The kind where she runs at me full speed just to wrap her arms around my legs.

Three is messy and loud and exhausting and absolutely magical.

Everyone warned me that three would be hard.

What nobody told me is that three would also break my heart a little.

Because every “I do it myself” is a reminder that she needs me just a tiny bit less than she did yesterday.

And while I’m unbelievably proud of the strong, confident little girl she’s becoming, there’s a quiet part of me that wishes I could freeze time right here.

Right here in the middle of dance parties and hug attacks.
Right here between independence and sleepy cuddles.

Because three is everything being a girl mom was promised it would be.

And I’m trying so hard to soak up every second of it.

Because motherhood is this strange, beautiful thing where your heart grows bigger every day, even while you’re grieving the versions of your child that quietly disappear along the way.

Yesterday she was a baby.

Today she’s three.

And somehow both of those things exist in my arms at the very same time.

And tonight, when I tuck her in and she whispers “I love you, Momma,” I know someday I will look back and realize…

three was never something to survive.

Three was something to treasure.

And I’m treasuring it. Truly.

Go hug your babies and water your plants. Maybe take your vitamin too.

Meig

Celebrating the birthday of a lost loved one

Death is nothing at all. It does not count.
I have only slipped away into the next room.
Nothing has happened. Everything remains exactly as it was.
I am I, and you are you, and the old life that we lived so fondly together is untouched, unchanged.
Whatever we were to each other, we are still.
Call me by the old familiar name, speak of me in the easy way which you always used, and put no difference into your tone.
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes that we enjoyed together. Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was.
Let it be spoken without an effort, without the ghost of a shadow upon it.
Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was.
There is absolute and unbroken continuity.
What is this death but a negligible accident?
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am but waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near,
just round the corner.
All is well.
Nothing is hurt; nothing is lost.
One brief moment and all will be as it was before.
How we shall laugh at the trouble of parting when we meet again!

Henry Scott-Holland

A letter from your late loved one.

Hi. This is your late loved one speaking. I don’t have long, so listen up because I have a lot I want to tell you.

First off, I get it.

Ever since I left this world you have missed me, and I know you’re bracing for the holidays without me. No matter what anyone says, this year’s festivities are going to be really tough.

In fact, let’s be honest, this festive season will probably suck pondwater. But then, Thanksgiving and Christmas are tough holidays for a lot of people. You’re not alone.

See, the misconception about the holidays is that they are one big party. That’s what every song on the radio claims. Each television commercial you see shows happy families clad in gaudy Old Navy sweaters, carving up poultry, smiling their perfect Hollywood teeth at the camera. But that’s not exactly reality.

In reality, fifty-eight percent of Americans admit to feeling severely depressed and anxious during November and December. In reality many folks will cry throughout the “most wonderful time of the year.”

Well, guess what? Nobody is crying up here in heaven. This place is unreal. There is, literally, too much beauty to take in. Way too much.

For starters—get this—time doesn’t even exist anymore. Which I’m still getting used to.

Right now, for all I know, the calendar year down on Earth could be 1728, 4045, 1991, or 12 BC. It really wouldn’t matter up here. This is a realm where there is no ticking clock, no schedule. Up here there is only this present moment. This. Here. Now. That’s all there has ever been. And there is real comfort in this.

I know this all seems hard to grasp, but if you were here you’d get it.

Also, for the first time I’m pain free. I feel like a teenager again in my body. You probably don’t realize how long I’ve lived with pain because I never talked about it, I kept my problems to myself because I was your loved one, and you needed me to be brave.

But pain is a devious thing. It creeps up on even the strongest person, little by little, bit by bit. Until pretty soon, pain becomes a central feature of life.

Sometimes my pain would get so bad it was all I thought about. No, I’m not saying that my life was miserable—far from it. I loved being on earth. It’s just that simply waking up each morning was getting exhausting.

But, you know what? Not anymore. In this new place, I am wholly and thoroughly happy.

But enough about me. I don’t have room to describe all the terrific things I’m experiencing, and you don’t need to hear them. Right now, you’re grieving, and what you need is a hug.

Which is why I’m writing to you. This is my hug to you. Because you’ve lost sight of me. And in fact, you’ve lost sight of several important things lately.

Death has a way of blinding us. It reorganizes the way you think, it changes you. You will never be the same after you lose someone. It messes with your inner physiology. It reorganizes you’re neurons.

But then, there’s one teensy little thing you’re forgetting:

I’m still around.

Yes, you read that correctly, I’m right here with you. No, you can’t see me. No, you can’t reach out and hold me. But did you know that one of the things I’m allowed to do as a heavenly being is hang out with you?

It’s true. I’m never far away. I’m in the room with you now, along with a big cloud of ancestors, saints, and witnesses. I’m shooting the breeze alongside you, watching you live your life, watching you raise your kids, watching your private moments of sorrow.

Here, in this new realm, I am in the perfect position to help you learn things. Which is what I vow to spend the rest of your earthly life doing, teaching you little lessons, lending you a hand when you least expect it, and desperately trying to make you smile. Actually, I’ve already been doing this stuff, you just don’t realize it.

What, you don’t believe me?

Well, wake up, pal. You know that tingle you get in your spine whenever you think of me? That’s me.

You know how, just yesterday, you had a beautiful memory when you were driving and it made you cry so hard that it actually felt good and you began to laugh through tears? Also me.

You know how sometimes when you’re all alone, preoccupied with something else, suddenly you get this faint feeling that someone is standing in the room with you? Hello? Me.

You’re not alone on this earth. You never were. You never will be. So during this holiday season, when cheerful families are getting together and making merry, and taking shots of eggnog, I’m going to be clinging to your shoulder, helping you muddle through somehow.

I’ll be making your spinal column tingle a lot, and I’ll be sending plenty of signs. Each of these signs—every single one—is code for “I love you.” So start paying attention to these hints.

Because this was one.

Shared from Emma McCartney