I have pondered sharing this story for almost a week now. I didn’t want to let you guys down, I guess I was ashamed at first. I felt like I had failed myself and everyone who believes in me, but then I came across this amazing quote by Nanea Hoffman.
She’s one of my writing influences and you can find one of her posts about anxiety here. (That article is my favorite!)
Anyways, as I was saying… I didn’t want to tell you guys this, but once I read this quote, I knew that my declaration would help you to understand that I positively do make mistakes just like any human does. Because I failed to plan, I set myself up for failure and sure enough, I failed. It was inevitable.
Last weekend wasn’t the best of weekends. Things around here have been a bit stressful, to say the least. My laziness won over the weekend though because I was far too lazy to put on pants and leave the house to bomb my “no animal products” diet.
Along came Monday… Before I even made it out of bed I just knew it was going to be a rough one. I managed to drag myself out of bed and make it through the day but by the time the clock struck six, I just couldn’t even wait to get my hands on something greasy and terrible. I had been craving a cheeseburger for hours and I simply couldn’t wait any longer to sink my teeth in a juicy, double cheeseburger with REAL mayonnaise.
A few people tried their hardest to divert my attention and keep me focused on my purposes, however, my mind was made up. On the way home I was going to stick my middle fingers to the wind and eat all the bad things. No one could stop me. So I did exactly that.
I pulled up to Jack in the box and thought long and hard about ordering something that wouldn’t make me feel guilty. Maybe some potato wedges? Those are vegan. How about curly fries? Hmm. Maybe just some plain English muffins I can put “butter” and jam on at home! Nope. That takes too long and I want something right this second. So I did it. I ordered an ultimate cheeseburger with mayo. I pulled over in a big parking lot and devoured it. Guys, you would have thought I hadn’t eaten in a month. It was pitiful. I ate it so fast that I almost forgot to chew it! I was eating it fast because I was embarrassed. I instantly felt guilty for having a moment of vulnerability.
This wasn’t even the worst part! The worst part was I knew what I was doing and even though I knew I needed to stop and I was NOT appreciating every mouthful like I thought I would, I couldn’t stop. I couldn’t put the ball of cholesterol and antibiotics down. I chose to keep eating it! Even though I KNEW with each bite I was just ingesting thickened cow puss, I just simply couldn’t stop myself.
To think about it now, it’s repulsive. I didn’t get any sleep that night because my stomach was so upset and I had a pounding headache for hours. The consequences simply were not worth the “treat.” (If you call greasy, processed, nothing natural about it, patties on a highly processed piece of “bread” covered with more cholesterol and melted coagulated cow slices a treat, you might rethink your opinion of a treat. For real…) Consider a manicure or new art supplies instead.
Food shouldn’t be a treat. I keep reminding myself of this in anticipation that perhaps one day it will truly sink in.
So there. I’ve made my confession about failing at one meal. ONE MEAL. Does that mean I have failed myself and I have given up on my hopes to become healthy and free of heart disease? NO! Not by any means at all. What it means is that I made a bad decision because I hadn’t developed a plan to have something fast, convenient, and most importantly, healthy to fill my belly with before I let the craving win.
“Failure will never overtake me if my determination to succeed is strong enough.”
I might have lost this battle but I still have a whole war to win. Just watch.
To those of you who are working toward a goal, remember this, it’s fine to take a break, it is not okay to quit. Put the past behind you, move on RIGHT THEN, (Not tomorrow or next Monday, or after your vacation) and don’t make the same mistake twice. If you fail to plan, you plan to fail.
Until next time,