I’m already dead…

Today was a hard day for me. I woke up really excited about this new vegan adventure, and I mean REALLY excited about it. I talked to my husband during our 4-hour road trip this morning and I’m really feeling his support through all of this. He understands why I’m making this change and he’s curious to see how I will feel after I complete my 4-week “adventure.”

Now, let’s fast forward to the point when we arrived at the river. It came time for me to take the luggage from the car to the house. “No big deal…” right? Wrong. It’s heavy luggage, there are stairs involved, it’s 98˚ outside, & I’m already struggling to get out of my husband’s tiny little car. Ugh. Finally, we get everything inside and get settled into the house. We decided to make our cold drinks, slap on our swimsuits, & head down to the very chilled and calm water of the good ol’ Guadalupe River.

I start to get upset all over again because now everyone is down in the river with the exception of one person who is napping on the couch and I still have to do my tricky yoga poses in the shower to shave my legs. Guys, it’s a chore. Trust me on this. There is a LOT of leg to shave.

I squeeze my lumpy large body into my swimsuit and slather on some sunscreen because I’m about as pasty as Casper the ghost. After getting out of breath and sweating all my sunscreen off as well as pre-soaking my swimsuit before I ever came close to the river, I was physically done. I was out of breath & my heart rate was at 171 all from shaving my legs and putting on a swimsuit. How pathetic?!

I always remind myself that I’m making terrible decisions that will lead me to an early death, but today I realized that I’ve actually already killed myself.

Whoa. Dark. I know. Please don’t take this the wrong way, guys. Hear me out. The meaning behind this statement will become more clear in the following statements.

I missed out on a lot of quality time with family because it took me 5 times as long to prepare myself than everyone else. I missed out on a big happy greeting from my in-laws because I was struggling with getting my shit inside the house. Let’s not forget the most embarrassing and terrible point in the day. The point when I realized that I can no longer climb the stairs back up to the house from the river. That’s right. I had to sit down half way and keep myself from hyperventilating. My legs were so shaky, I was so dizzy, I couldn’t breathe, & I had straight up tunnel vision. Do you have any idea how embarrassing that is? Everyone else just runs up the stairs like it’s a little escalator while I’m struggling to even get halfway. Guys, the days of my past are over. This is what I mean by “I’m already dead.”

So here I am, pretty much at rock bottom. I want my life back. I want a healthy heart and a body that I can live in again! Perhaps going vegan for a few weeks will help me realize what it’s truly like to have a healthy body, once and for all.

Love to all,


2 thoughts on “I’m already dead…

  1. Patrick Skeins says:

    Oh gosh I’m sorry your experiencing that much struggle. I haven’t been in your shoes but I have in similar situations. I have congestive heart disease caused by hypertension and I know the heartbreak of your body just not being able to go. Your family loves you and Im sure they understand. Honey if you got rest every two stairs, stop breath gather yourself and keep pushing. You’ll be back in control soon, you’ll figure out which path is the right path for you.


    • Patrick,
      I hope you know that you are not alone. I would love to talk to you about some of the things I have experienced over the past year so that you can understand more of why I’m really doing this. I hope I can inspire you to start doing your own research and learning how to reverse the effects of some not so great decisions. It’s not too late. Would you like to do this together, my friend?


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